A Sub and a Dark Place
by DR34DN0UGHT
Summary: Talon finds out that getting a midnight snack is a lot harder than it seems. Oneshot. This was made as an entry for my school's Fandom Contest. Cover image done by AskTalon.


The sun had yet to rise over the Institute of War. Most of the champions of the League were fast asleep, wanting some more shuteye before another long day of League matches. Among them was a certain Noxian assassin in the men's dormitory, who was just beginning to wake up.

Talon opened his eyes blearily, staring up at his ceiling. He let out a loud yawn as he scratched his stomach. _I wonder what time it is…_

Talon rubbed the sleep out his eyes as he fished around in the darkness to find his alarm clock. He muttered a few curses as he realized it wasn't on his side table anymore, and began groping around on the floor. He grunted in approval as his hands closed around the familiar box and brought it to his face. The clock's display lit up. 2:22. Talon grimaced. _Why'd I wake up at 2 in the morning? I'm just going back to sl –_

A loud rumble suddenly echoed broke through the quiet of the Noxian's bedroom, and Talon's eyes bugged out upon realizing that the sound had come from his own stomach. It was at that point he realized that he was actually _really_ hungry.

 _Ugh… What the hell would I even want to eat at 2 in the mornWAIT A MINUTE._

Talon suddenly remembered that last night, after coming home from a hard day of back-to-back matches on the rift, he had stopped by in Pantheon and Morgana's bakery to get a donut and go home.

Which was when he saw it.

The most delectable-looking subway sandwich he had ever laid eyes on.

It was called the Enchanted Sandwich, which was fitting since it seemed as if it was enchanted by the gods themselves. Delightfully soft oregano bread, fresh olives and peppers straight from the farm, crispy lettuce, melted cheese, perfectly-cooked bacon and chicken, and just the right amount of mustard, mayo and ketchup. It seemed to be calling to him when he looked at it, and it just so happened to be the last one the Aspect of War and Fallen Angel had in stock. Talon couldn't remember the last time he spent money on something so fast. He didn't eat it immediately though, instead electing to put it in his fridge to save until breakfast the next day, in order to start his day off in the best possible way. The thing would still be warm thanks to the spell placed on it anyway, and the spoiling of the rest of the food in his fridge would be totally worth it.

 _But… I wanted to have that thing for breakfast, not as some midnight sna-_

Another massive grumble, this one louder than the last. It was as if his stomach was crying out to Talon, just begging to be graced with that beautiful sub.

 _Fuck it, I need that sub inside me._

Talon rolled out of bed, forging onwards through the darkness of his room towards his door. _I wonder how far it is until my do-OOF._ The assassin's head smacked against door, and Talon grabbed his skull, hissing and rubbing where he was hit. _Okay, there's the door._

He opened it and stepped outside into the hall, which was also pitch-black. Talon began walking forwards in the darkness, scratching his back as he groggily made his way towards the kitchen.

However, this was certainly not where the trials ended for the Blade's Shadow.

"Ow what the f-!" Talon cursed loudly before immediately silencing himself as his shoulder slammed into the wall. He remembered that his sisters, Katarina and Cassiopeia, were sleeping in his spare room. Katarina had flung a knife in a rage during an argument with her serpentine sister, which somehow struck the kitchen faucet hard enough to break it and flood their entire dorm.

But more importantly, they absolutely **hated** it when they were woken up in the middle of the night. An assassin that would attempt to take the sisters on while they slept would arguably find it harder than if they were wide awake.

After several moments to regain his composure, Talon once again set off into the darkness of his dorm room. _I'd turn on the lights, but that would wake Kat and Cass up…_ Talon shrugged and continued on his way.

Unfortunately for him, his misery was only just beginning.

Talon let out a gasp of pain as something drove itself into his hip, knocking the wind out of him and making him stagger backwards. _An assassin?!_ He swung a fist around him, attempting to land a blow on this mysterious attacker. He panted wildly, adrenaline pumping, gaze swinging around his dorm for any signs of movement in the darkness.

 _Wait a second._ The Noxian assassin felt his way forward, and found what had hit him under his hand. His table. Talon sighed and rubbed his ribs in annoyance. _Okay, that was dumb, but whatever, time for my sub._ Talon set off once again, in the direction of what he believed was the kitchen.

Only to trip over something and fall flat on his face.

Talon rolled around on the ground as he clutched his nose, tears welling up in his eyes from the pain as he felt blood on his hands. His leg was also throbbing painfully from where he had tripped, but Talon decided to concern himself more with the damage to his nose.

 _Was that supposed to be my coffee table?!_ Talon thought, tottering back onto his feet, now genuinely angry. A simple midnight snack wasn't supposed to entail injuries to the hip, legs, or noses. Yet, Talon had experienced all of the above in less than two minutes. Grinding his teeth, he began marching to the kitchen, or at least he tried to thanks to his bruised leg.

Unfortunately, Talon was walking towards the entrance of the kitchen at an angle that would only result in more anguish and suffering.

Particularly to his toes.

Talon let out a shriek of agony as his pinky toe was stubbed hard against the wall right next to the entrance. Talon heard a crack at his feet, and he couldn't tell if it was the wall or his toe that was breaking. However, at that point he didn't really care, dropping to the ground to nurse his injured toe, whimpering in pain. He assumed the fetal position, gasping and sobbing as he gingerly felt his toe for injuries. Time seemed to drag on for hours as Talon lay there at the entrance to the kitchen, before he slammed his fist down on the ground in a resolute fury and flopped over onto his stomach, a determined glare on his face.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit…" He seethed, beginning to crawl across the floor. He eventually noticed the carpet changing to the tile of the kitchen, and he let out a grunt of approval. He was closer to his goal, his sub, and his joy. He groped his way through the darkness on the ground, feeling everything he touched in hopes that it would be the fridge. Eventually, his hands found a handle, and he let out a triumphant, if pained grin.

"You caused me… A lot of trouble…" He muttered, taking a hold of the handle to prop himself up, after which he would then fling the door open to find his wondrous sub waiting for him in its delectable glory. He began to pull himself up, slowly but surely. He could almost feel that sub in his mouth, the lettuce cracking in his mouth, the mustard and mayonnaise flowing over his taste buds.

Which was why Talon was suddenly alarmed as he felt the fridge beginning to top over.

 _Wait a second, the handle to my fridge is rectangular. This is circular. And the only thing in the kitchen with a circular handle…_

Was the large, ornate cabinet that held all of his plates and cups. Made of strong, Noxian oak, the thing was very heavy, and had a good amount of stuff inside to add to that weight.

And it was now falling right on top of him.

Talon screamed as the cabinet toppled onto him. The heavy oak was too much for him to hold up, and he fell to the ground, the cabinet crushing him under its weight. The Blade's Shadow felt a crack in his legs, and he let out an earsplitting howl as the white-hot pain enveloped him. Plates and cups fell out all around him, causing an deafening cacophony of shattering plates and clanging metal. The Noxian was unable to move, pinned completely pinned down under the ornate furniture. Talon fought back tears as he gritted his teeth from the agony his legs were experiencing and the shards of china poking at him from below.

"All… I wanted… was my fucking sub…" he lamented in a strangled gasp, the weight of the hard wood getting in the way of his breathing. The world seemed to be laughing at him as he languished on the ground, trapped under his own cabinet, legs broken, for the grievous sin of simply wanting something nice to eat.

Suddenly, the kitchen was suddenly illuminated with a harsh golden light, blinding Talon, as if to rub salt in his wounds. _Who the hell…?_ He wondered just who was in his dorm room, to be able to enter so effortlessly. _So it was an assassin, huh…? Well… they sure as shit got me good… They were probably the bastards behind all this… Looks like… This is the end… For me…_ Talon closed his eyes, deciding to just take whatever this mystery attacker was about to hand him. It would almost be a mercy to him at that point.

Then he heard his assailant's voice.

"Talon?! What the hell are you doing?!"

Talon dazedly looked up from under the cabinet, staring up at his two sisters who were looking down on him incredulously. The elder du Couteau sister was in a tank top, running shorts and running shoes, while the younger was wearing a sports bra and a visor, and nothing else thanks to her serpentine lower body.

"What did you do?" Cassiopeia murmured, looking around the apartment in a shock. "Why is everything knocked over? Why is there paint chipped off the wall? Why are you under the cabinet? Why is everything broken? What even happened?"

"… I was looking for a midnight snack in the fridge…" He muttered painfully.

"Midnight?! How stupid are you?! It's 6 in the fucking morning!"

"Did you hit your head or some shit?!" An incredulous Talon wheezed. "It's like 2:30 right now! I just thought the sun decided to rise late!"

Katarina marched to the window and turned the blinds open, allowing a stream of the morning sun to illuminate the room. "Of course you won't see the sun when you have your blinds down!"

"Uh, no, it's 6," Cass said, turning on her HexPhone and flipping it to show Talon that the time was, indeed, 6 in the morning. "So, yeah, you're the dumbass here, big brother."

"I know what my clock looks like! It was 2:22 when I got out of bed!"

Cass raised her eyebrow suspiciously. "Are you sure you weren't looking at what was actually 5:55? You have a bad habit of knocking your alarm clock off the side table and then reading the time upside-down. You also forget to check where the colon is. A lot."

Talon blinked at his sisters, stunned. "… Shit."

The redhead rubbed her temples, groaning. "Okay, so you were an idiot and looked around for a snack during what you thought was the middle of the night. Did it ever occur to you to _turn the lights on?_ It would have been so easy for you to just flip a switch and go find whatever you wanted to eat."

"… I didn't want to wake you two up…"

Katarina groaned. "We weren't even here, jackass, we went out for a run – Ow!" The lamia had punched her in the shoulder, glaring. The older sibling rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine, a run _and_ a slither, happy?"

Cassiopeia turned to her brother and shrugged. "I mean, I'd laugh at you for not checking if our shoes were missing, but it's not like you'd look for shoes when you wanted a bite, so…" Talon groaned, miserable and in pain.

Katarina turned to leave. "Alright, hang on, Talon, I'll go and get help. Don't go anywhere – I mean I don't think you can anyway, but still, just stay put."

"I think my legs are broken."

"… I'll hurry this up." Katarina Shunpo'd out of the room, knowing that teleporting to Darius' room would be faster than walking.

"So, uh, can I help you with anything?" Asked the lamia, who looked down at her adopted brother with a mixture of disappointment, pity, and concern.

"… Can you get my sub from the fridge? My arms are trapped," Talon pleaded, looking as if he was on the verge of tears.

Cass sighed. "Alright, alright, give me a sec." The youngest du Couteau sibling slithered around the toppled cabinet to pop open the fridge, pulling out the flawless, still-warm sub on a plate. The lamia let out a whistle as she beheld it, with its delightfully soft oregano bread, fresh olives and peppers, crispy lettuce, melted cheese, delectable bacon and chicken, and just the right amount of mustard, mayo and ketchup.

"Damn, this is one of those Enchanted Subs of Panth and Morg's, huh. Can't believe it's still warm after an entire night in a fridge. Isn't that going to spoil the rest of your food?"

"Do you really think I care at this point…?"

The Serpent's Embrace shrugged. "Guess not." She slithered over and coiled up in front of her trapped brother, placing the plate right in front of his face, but not feeding him.

"Now, what are you going to do from now on?" She asked, almost like a teacher scolding a misbehaving student.

"Look at my clock right next time…"

"And turn on the lights the next time you have look around for something in the dark."

"… And turn on the lights when I have to look around for something in the dark."

"Good," Cass said, and held the sub to his open mouth, which he chomped down on eagerly.

"It'sh… It'sh sho good…" He whimpered, his tears flowing freely down his face as he indulged in the delicious meal.

"Yeah, yeah, just chew with your mouth closed," Cass muttered, rolling her eyes.

"I'm sho happy… Thish ish… Happinesh…"

"What did I just say?"

And thus went another morning of the du Couteaus, with Talon weeping as he ate a sub while trapped under a cabinet with broken legs, his hapless younger sister Cassiopeia feeding him said sub out of pity, and his older sister Katarina who was forced to explain everything to a dumbfounded Darius.

Such was the life of this bizarre trio of siblings.

* * *

 _Hello._

 _It has been nearly 5 months since my last upload. Which I tried to avoid._

 _I think I finally know why._

 _The problem with my extremely late uploads tends to happen because I get sidetracked halfway through one fic and start working on another when I get a good idea._

 _I am currently writing chapters for three separate fics at a snail's pace thanks to this issue, and was working on four before I finished this one. At the very least, the problem has been found, now I just have to fix it._

 _On the topic of this fic, this was actually an entry for a Fandom Contest put on by my school, where we had to make a piece of fanwork, whether it was a fanfiction, fanart, or something else. My prompt was that quote from Harry Potter, about how "happiness could be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light." After a really shitty attempt at a drama fic, I gave up and just went back to comedy, which this was the product of. Probably not gonna win anything because of that, but eh, I tried._

 _Anyway, thanks for reading this, and I'll get back to you all pretty soon. I have a new fic being made, and I'm going to make sure I don't get sidetracked so it comes out as quick as possible. Until then, I'll be seeing you guys._


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